Some people need no encouragement to tell their stories. They are natural storytellers, ready to begin the moment they sense genuine interest.
Others take more time. They deflect, minimize, say they do not have anything interesting to share. They may be private by nature, or have been taught that talking about themselves is presumptuous, or simply have never thought of their life as something worth recording.
Getting these people comfortable sharing their story requires creating the right conditions. Here is how.
Start With What They Love to Talk About
Every person has subjects they naturally expand on — topics where they warm up and become vivid and detailed. For some people, it is their work. For others, it is their children or grandchildren. For others, it is a particular period of life they clearly enjoyed.
Find that topic first. Not as a warmup to the "real" questions — as a way of learning how this person tells stories and what unlocks their voice.
Once they are engaged in something they enjoy talking about, the rest of the conversation flows more naturally.
Ask Specific Questions, Not Broad Ones
"Tell me about your childhood" invites a summary. Summaries are self-editing exercises — the person decides what seems important, what seems interesting enough to include, what might be too trivial. The result is generalized and flat.
"What was your bedroom like when you were growing up?" drops them into a specific room. The specificity bypasses the editorial process and activates direct memory. The answer is almost always more vivid and more honest than any summary would have been.
Specific questions are the most reliable tool for getting people to open up, because they leave no space for the "nothing interesting" defense.
Create a Feeling of Being Heard
People open up to people who are genuinely listening. The difference between a person who feels heard and a person who feels interviewed is almost entirely about the listener's quality of attention.
- Put the phone down when they are talking (the recording is running; you do not need to look at it)
- Ask follow-up questions about what they said rather than moving to your next prepared question
- Reflect something back: "That's remarkable — what did you do?"
- Let your genuine reactions show — surprise, warmth, laughter
Performed interest produces guarded answers. Genuine curiosity produces the real thing.
Let Silences Run
This is the technique most beginners get wrong. When someone pauses, the instinct is to fill the silence with the next question.
Wait. Count to three. Often the best part of the answer comes after the pause — the thing the person was not sure about saying, the memory that arrived late, the detail they decided to add.
The silence communicates that you are not rushing, that you are thinking about what they said, that you are actually present. People open up more with a listener who is unhurried.
Handle Deflection Gently
When someone says "I don't have anything interesting to share," do not argue. Instead, ask about something specific and concrete.
"Well, what was your first job? What did you actually do all day?"
The specificity gives them something to respond to rather than a general prompt they have already decided to decline. Once one concrete story is told, the next comes more easily.
Offer Permission for Imperfection
Many people are reluctant to record because they are worried about getting things right — remembering dates accurately, not getting confused, saying something that comes out wrong.
Release them from that pressure. "The date doesn't matter. What matters is what you remember about it." "You don't need to have it perfectly organized — just tell me what you remember." "This doesn't have to be polished — I just want to hear what you actually think."
Permission to be imperfect opens doors that the pressure of performing for a recording keeps closed.
Trust the Conversation
The most important technique is also the most basic: be genuinely interested in the person across from you.
Not in what they represent as a family history source. In them. In who they are, what they have been through, what they think about, what they have never quite found the moment to say.
That genuine interest — communicated through attention, follow-up, warmth, and the willingness to slow down — is what creates the conditions for real sharing.
Every other technique is secondary to this one.